Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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