I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
