My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
