i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize