Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
