those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
