i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
