Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
