I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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