The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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