his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
