And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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