Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
