just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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