3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
