You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
