What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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