Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
