I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
