bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
