So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
