I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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