Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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