What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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