Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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