I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
