theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
