Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Drunk is a universal language darling
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
