Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
