My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
