I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
