I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
where are you?
Hypothermia
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize