I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You've changed since you got that strap on
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
