Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
