D3 body, D1 cock
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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