you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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