She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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