Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
