Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
