Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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