I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
