I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Im part way to drunk.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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