Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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