I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
