I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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