$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
