direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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