so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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