if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
