made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
