The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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