I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
