so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
