Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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