do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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