Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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