i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
so let's talk penis.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
