Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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