do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
