Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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