it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
