you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
