im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
it's great music for shaving your balls
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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