Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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