matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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